I’m an Enneagram One. I don’t just give a shit about what other people think. I give all the shits about what other people think. The other week, I answered a phone call from my friend and was met with, “I just don’t care what people think anymore.”
“Uh,” I responded. “I still do.”
It’s true. I like looking a certain way. I like to appear a certain way. That’s who I am. Am I able to potentially change it? Sure. It’s a work in progress. Blah, blah, blah, self-improvement.
I’ve spoken on here before that I’m not sure what my voice is at this season in life. At the beginning of this year it was very much from a place of sadness. My writing felt vastly different than it feels right now. Well, maybe the writing isn’t too much different but the writer is the thing that’s changed. I think the breakdown I’m having is finding out how to show that through my writing.
Truth be told, I like being moody when I write. I’m comfortable throwing on some sad, acoustic music and being “all in my feels” as the kids say. It’s where I found comfort when I started this blog. That’s my comfort zone as a writer. I felt that I could find the pieces of you that hurt and speak to them because I was feeling that hurt as well.
And I feel like I did. I know I did because there were people reaching out, saying, “Dani, I felt that!” Ah, I love hearing those words. However, I’ve found it hard to write about happier things. Not because I’m not happy; simply because it’s out of my comfort zone.
I had someone give me a “writing prompt” after I had whined about feeling like I had writer’s block. He gave me a prompt about a new romance. I can’t write romance, was my response. I’m finding it’s not that I can’t, it’s just not my comfort.
I think about “self-discovery” like a final destination of sorts, when I’m realizing it’s much more dynamic than that. I think we discover different things about ourselves in the various seasons in life and the self-discovery continues to evolve as the days in our lives pass and we slowly start to shift and adapt. Well, that’s what we’re supposed to do.
Have my actions been matching up with my words? After a recent conversation, I asked myself this. Then, after the dust settled and I was with my own thoughts for a bit, I asked myself, have my words been matching up with my actions? See, I think my headspace is better than I’m writing it out to be, but I don’t know how else to write.
I’m still a highly emotional writer. I’ll still cry at stupid stuff, including the proposal on Fuller House. I mean, it’s Steve and DJ guys! They finally got together. I feel like that’s worth a tear or two. I think the emotions can shift. Rather, I think the emotions should ebb and flow just like life does.
So to embark upon this new adventure as a new writer, I shall start with a happier blog. I guess all of that nonsense I just wrote was a prelude to what’s about to be written? Oops, sorry.
I think God is weird. He’s a cool but weird guy. I think I find myself panicking at uncertainty and when you decide to say, “Send me” to God, I think that calls for some uncertainty. I mean, I have a tattoo for Jeremiah 29:11 on my wrist that serves as a constant reminder that whatever it is, it’s good because He said it would be.
The job I have here in Indiana was the first travel job I interviewed for. I didn’t have the slightest clue what was in store for me here. I did not love Indiana when I first moved. It was a weird transition and I wanted to get out of here as soon as humanly possible. When September came around and it was time to look at where I was going after Indiana I found myself thinking, “You’re not done yet”. I was 100% done with Indiana. Nope. I was not staying. The feeling persisted, I prayed about it and leaned into God, and extended my contract.
I have loved my time here in Indiana. I have found such beautiful friendships in the people I work with. I have been able to adventure nearly every weekend and scratch my exploration itch, finding favorite coffee places and breweries around.
As I started to think about what was next for me, a friend of mine had said something along the lines of, “I hope God either throws a door wide open or slams it shut”. He did and it was definitely not the door I was thinking it would be. But hell, what’s life without an adventure?
God threw open the door and in a big way. It’s definitely been a God thing up until this point. I’m quite thrilled to share that I am staying with Hopebridge as a travel therapist for them, filling in where they need me at Hopebridge clinics all over! The part that makes me chuckle? My first spot is in Indiana. I know, I know. I thought I’d be getting out too, yet here we are. I’ll be headed up north to split time between South Bend and Merillville and spending some time filling a need for them. After that, who knows? All I know is I get to keep doing the job I love with a population I love and that’s pretty rad.
I guess the best way to wrap this up is cheers to adventures, friends. End of January the newest one for me begins!