Uncategorized · Word Vomit Things

Diverting from the Plan

As I’ve mentioned before, I am a Type 1 enneagram.  I like rules.  My poor CrossFit coach in NC, Joe, can tell you that I’m the one asking a million questions at the beginning of a workout.  If the workout said building to a heavy for X amount of reps, I was almost always headed up to Joe to ask “so what percentage should I be working for?” I liked having a specific number.  I liked knowing what my target was.  I didn’t always hit it but I liked having it in my head as something to aim for.

If there has ever been a time in my life in which my love for rules and a clear-cut path was being challenged, it is now.  I don’t know what’s next.  I know, poor me, I have so many options ahead of me. How tragic it is to be in such a broad, in-demand field.  I know, I hear it when I say it.  Not only that, but I have this unbelievable partner that is like “yeah go get it” whenever I bring a dream of mine to him.  Gosh, life is so hard for me. [Insert eye roll emoji]. I understand how it comes off.  However, it is hard for someone like me.  Do you know how many times I’ve sat on the edge of my bed, hands folded in my lap, tears in my eyes, saying “God, if you literally just tell me where to go I will go.”  I think He laughs when I say that.  I think He laughs when I say a lot of things, honestly.  Not because I’m funny but because He’s just like, “Oh, Danielle.”  I actually do think that He and Mom are up there just laughing up a storm at how life continues to throw me curve balls.

For example, I vowed I would never go to graduate school.  I told my mom on multiple occasions I was done with school once I got my bachelor’s.  I picture God calling my mom over.  “Patti, come here.  Grab a drink—you’re going to want to watch this.”  Posted up in some Tommy Bahama beach chairs (because what other kind of seating would you have in Heaven?), God and my mom enjoyed a beer together, watching me eat my words.  I think this is probably a monthly gathering of theirs.  “Patti! She’s doing it again!  I love it when she thinks she’s figured things out!” I bet they’ve turned it into a potluck night.

I think this time in my life is meant to challenge the way I look at life, honestly.  I’ve had a plan for as long as I can remember.  Even when life was said, “nope”, I readjusted and planned more.  It’s my comfort.  It’s my easy.  Give me steps and I’ll take ’em.  Right now, life is a big unknown.  All I know is I’ve got a man that will be home soon enough, a pup that’s along for the ride, and a God that knows much better than I do.  For those that don’t know, I have Roman numerals for 29:11 tattooed on my right wrist, right across from my cross tattoo.  It’s for the verse, Jeremiah 29:11:

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Yeah, okay, so I don’t necessarily have a big plan, but God sure does.  I think it’s time to just, well, enjoy the process.

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